There are moments when I feel worthless. unattractive. overweight. unlovable. lonely. crazy. stupid. There are times when I feel like a loser. failure. Sometimes my train of thought just drifts to the most negative place possible. The place where you convince yourself that you aren't worthy of anyone's time. that you aren't worthy of anyone's love. that you aren't worthy of being happy.
Who hasn't been there? {at some point or another}
The problem comes when we allow Satan to make us believe all of these lies. because that's all they are. LIES. because even when we are in these dark places. God can find us right where we are. He loves us beyond words. David Crowder Band's song, "How He Loves," says it better than I can:
He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are, and how great your affections are for me
And oh, how He loves us, oh how He loves us,
How He loves us, oh how he loves
We are His portion and He is our prize, Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss, and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way
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Relationships and marriage surround me. Attempting to swallow me whole. Into an abyss of failure and loneliness. I'm not in a relationship. I'm not married. Yet I waste my time and energy stressing and worrying pointlessly. God doesn't want this for me. He wants so much more. He wants to rescue me from these lies and the large abyss that I've created around me. He wants to take me into His arms and never let me go. He wants to comfort me. He wants to love me unconditionally. He wants me. just as I am. He wants me.
In fact, the truth is: He is JEALOUS for me. Did you hear that? Let me say it again for emphasis. He is JEALOUS for me. He is jealous for my time. my attention. my focus. my heart. my emotions. my thoughts. my everything.
When I waste time allowing the world to define what my life should look like, I choose to set God aside and focus on the things of this world. I put God on the shelf of my heart and inform Him that He isn't good enough and isn't satisfying me. Enough. No more. It's time to give up the fight. There is peace found in His arms.Everlasting peace. hope. love. He is offering me the intimate relationship I so crave. Ultimately, He is the only one who can satisfy me.
Hearing these words reminds me that I am loved. I am worthy. I am not alone. I am beautiful. I am His. He loves me just the way I am. And He is jealous for me.
Learning to be the Light,
Jenna
Jenna