Welcome to a bad one.
You would think that after 27 days of blogging about this topic that I might be a little closer to actually redeeming the waiting place. But I'm not. And really I don't even know if this blog post pertains to my waiting at all. Because today I'm struggling with just life. Life in general. And maybe somehow I will bring this back around to waiting but then again maybe not.
When things are going my way, and I'm doing fun things with my people ... Yes, waiting seems easy. But then those bad days {which genuinely are less frequent than the good days} when nothing is going my way, I'm an emotional mess, holding it together means fighting off an anxiety attack, the craziness overwhelms me, and the mess that is my life gets messier, the waiting just seems to be too much.
Yall. I feel so silly even talking this way. Because there are much bigger problems in this world than what I've got going on. I go back and forth between minimizing and maximizing my problems, but I need to find a healthy balance.
For those who don't know, I wear my heart on my sleeve. This is actually a new thing for me. Over the last year, I truly learned the value and importance of open communication and real honesty. It has been liberating. Really. But the other side of that is that it has opened me up to a whole lot of hurt that I never even knew possible. Because not every one chooses to be as open and honest as I do, and assumptions are deadly. Despite my new found appreciation for being open and honest, I think it would be wise of me to keep that for people who respect it and who value me as a person and friend. Gauging my audience should be a priority. Otherwise, I will just end up always having my feelings hurt.
Also another character flaw is that I don't possess the ability to say no. Lysa Terkeurst's book, The Best Yes, is currently sitting on my nightstand unread. A lot of good it's doing me there. I honestly think this stems from my desire to have everyone like me. That's always been a thing for me since before I can remember. I would rather be a door mat and have everyone like me than to say no and risk someone being upset with me. But saying no is healthy when done in the right way. I just haven't figured out the right way yet. It's sad when people who aren't even actively a part of my life anymore nonchalantly mention that I've always been this way and continue to be a pushover.
Because of these two things, here I was wallowing in self-pity and a whole lot of hurt feelings. For the first half of the day. I just sat in it. Not even trying to shake it or to make things right in my heart. It was ugly. Oh Lord, my heart was calloused.
But here's the thing. I cannot blame any one but myself. I am the only one allowing this. It is up to me to determine the state of my heart. My lockscreen on my phone says |today, I choose joy|. Pssh. That's hilarious. Joy is the last choice I've wanted to make today. I put it there to remind me in moments like these, but it is more of a moment by moment decision I am having to make today to have that joy.
Am I the only one who feels this way? Am I the only one who gets so stuck that it feels like I'll never get out? Can I just share my burden today? Anyone else out there need to share the burden? Anyone else out there tired of carrying their burden alone?
What is it worth? Holding onto that burden on your own? Is it worth the hard stuff that comes with that? I don't think it is. We will never find peace in our storms if we don't allow others to help us carry our burdens. If we don't release it all to Jesus.
Waiting. Not waiting. Hurting. Struggling. Needing. Whatever your burden is, lay it down at the foot of the cross and let the body of Christ be the body for you. Let your people help you pick that up and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Just because I wrote this blog post doesn't mean my problems are automatically fixed. Far from it actually. But no matter the struggle, I know I have Jesus. And I know that He has given me people in my life to held me keep walking in the footsteps of Jesus.
I want to leave you with an excerpt of verses from Colossians 3:12-17 // Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.
Yep, that pretty much sums it up. My apologies for this crazy mess of a blog. But this is all I got today. I pray someone is encouraged that we all have junk in our lives. Some are just better at hiding it than others. And take heart, I believe we are meant to be broken together. Jesus isn't scared of my brokenness or as I like to call it // my hot mess of a life.
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{This blog post is a part of a series called Redeeming the Waiting Place for the Write31Days challenge to write every day in October. You can find links to all posts in my series here. If you're interested, the Write31Days challenge is being taken by hundreds and hundreds of other wonderful bloggers which you can read more of right here. My personal favorite is browsing all the inspirational and Godly women who are blogging under the Inspiration & Faith tab which you can check out as well right here.}