Yes. I want/desire to be married. One day. In the future. But Lord help, not tomorrow and not even necessarily in the next year. Waiting and not knowing is hard, but that does not mean that I think I am fully ready for marriage. I am certain that if God's plan for my life does include marriage, there is still a whole lot of refining that needs to happen. Also don't get me wrong and assume that I think I will ever have it all together or that anyone does before they get married.
Being independent and self-serving for almost 27 years {ahh but we're not gonna talk about my recent freaking out about that number and my upcoming birthday} has ingrained in me some pretty strong habits and tendencies that will not be easy to break or even work on for that matter.
I'm probably sounding a little bipolar at this point considering I've written nearly 28 blog posts {plus the ones in the past} about how much I want to be married. But waiting in singleness is much preferred to settling for less than God's best. I will not marry someone just because I want to be married. The only way I will get married is if I have clear and full confirmation from God. My desire for marriage is outweighed by my desire for God's best.
So shouldn't these thoughts and this knowledge make the waiting easier? Absolutely. It should. But it doesn't always. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, and it takes constant vigilance over our mind and thoughts to continue replacing earthly thoughts with God thoughts.
A lot of people will say | oh, just choose somebody. It doesn't matter. There are plenty of fish in the sea |. But I can't necessarily line that up with God's character and the intricate details He daily works out in my life. I believe the Lord has me single for a reason during this time. I know He is using me right here and right now to glorify Him and further His kingdom.
Just because I don't particularly enjoy waiting for marriage doesn't mean that I'm ready to get married tomorrow. To be clear, I have issues. I am selfish. and I am still in need of some work on my heart to even be ready for that huge step. Because I do not take marriage lightly. Marriage to me is a God-binding covenant that is more than in sickness and health, rich and poor, and so on. To me, marriage means God bringing together two individuals starting a team to take the Gospel into all parts of the world. If marriage would only slow that goal down of taking the Gospel to all the world, then I'll keep my singleness.
I'm pretty crazy, huh? I know. I know. It's just that my life has been so transformed by God and the Gospel. Jesus died on a cross to save the world {me and you} from their sins. I was once an orphan, but now I am adopted into the family of God. I was once lost, but now I am found. I was once blind, but now I can see. I was once in utter darkness, but now I walk in the light. I was dying and going to hell, but now I have been saved by grace and am alive. I have my citizenship in heaven.
My waiting has a purpose. I just want to worship him right where I am. His plan is worth waiting for. Every single second. I'm not settling for anything other than God's best. I'm waiting here.
Waiting here for you // With our hands lifted high in praise // And it's You we adore // Singing Hallelujah // You are everything You promised // Your faithfulness is true // And we're Desperate for Your presence // All we need is You // Waiting here for you.