Valentine’s Day. I hate to always be the one to say this, but man, this is always a hard day for me. What is supposed to be a day full of love and happiness has always felt quite the opposite. 32 years of spending Valentine’s Day single hasn’t quite been the roses and chocolates it has been for some (yes, I know the first 10 or so do not count). I know Valentine’s Day is commercialized, and I would be willing to bet that a lot of couples don’t even celebrate it. I also know that it has a lot of expectations and a lot of disappointment even for those who are in great relationships.
I want to say — i don’t care — or — I would never care — whether I get to spend Valentine’s in a traditional way, but that would not be a true statement. Who doesn’t want to feel loved and special on a day like this? And my personality makes me want to do the same for someone else — to show them how loved and cared for they are.
Not all of my Valentine’s Days have been bad. There have been good ones over the years, but they have always been me trying to make the best of my situation. Let me just tell you — I. am. tired. AND I. am. weary. Anyone else?
I know all the right answers. I have been through this before — I have done the hard work. I know who God is and believe with every fiber of my being that He is good and kind. He has proved Himself to be so over and over again. I have found an ever deepening contentment in my relationship with the Lord. I know I could list the 10,000 things I am thankful for or write out Scripture to encourage my heart. I know these things — and yet they don’t change my circumstances. Which really isn’t the point, is it? I know. (how many times can I say “I know”?)The point isn’t to change my circumstances but to change my heart.
I am a work in progress. You would think by now that I would be used to spending Valentine’s Day alone and that one day I would just get over it. Yet somehow here I am — refusing to give up or lose hope. Why you ask? Because no matter how long I have to wait to see the other side of this struggle, I will not lose hope. Not because I have to be married or in a relationship to be happy or content. But because I know that my hope in a good and faithful God will not let me down.
I have been contemplating how I have let my feelings and emotions have far too much control over my mind and heart over the last year. I have succumb to the tumultuous nature of those feelings and been battered by their unpredictability. I know these feelings are a result of my circumstances that are already beyond my control, but I do think I have control over how my feelings affect me. I don’t really know what the way forward looks like. I am figuring this out one day at a time, and let me tell you — I am over spiritual band-aids that are meant to make you feel better but only end up causing more shame and hurt. Can we just all agree to allow people to have feelings while also helping them move toward truth tenderly and genuinely?
I do not know a lot of things right now, but here’s what I do know:
God created emotions as a good thing, but they are not meant to control my thoughts and actions.
My emotions should be indicators of deeper things that I am working to resolve not sit and wallow in.
God never leaves me nor forsakes me.
God longs to comfort me in my heartache.
He sees me and meets me in my time of need.
God loves me and provides for me in ways that I will likely never see with my earthly eyes.
He is calling me to trust Him in His timing.
He is trustworthy.
He is faithful.
He is pursuing me.
Feel free to read those for yourself and let them flow into the deepest and darkest places of your heart. But if you just need a friend to tell you “things suck right now” — I’m okay with that too. I can see both sides. I have lived the heartache and pain that longs for someone to tell me that my hurt is not unseen and that it’s okay to grieve. I have also experienced the life-giving comfort and joy that God has poured out on me when I have aligned my heart and mind with His Word. I can give space for either and trust that God meets us in both places. So … that’s my Valentine’s message for 2022.
Maybe one day I will have some inspirational message from the other side of this, but until then, I’ll just be over here championing the grieving, hurt, sad, lonely, and forgotten. You have a place here with me, and my prayer for us is that God will show Himself to us in real and tangible ways that we cannot deny.
♥︎Jenna